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Amazing how quickly a year goes by, how quickly we move on, how quickly we forget. To simply live as though nothing happened, as if I was never crazy about you, as if you had never existed. Somewhere between your green eyes, crooked smile, the way you walked, the way you smoked your cigarettes, your laugh, your accent, the saddness you quietly carried, and your masochistic ways, I fell for you. Our seemingly endless phone calls about you, me, LA, work, school, friends, family, our future, or about nothing at all kept me hooked. The kindness your friends gave me, the respect you never broke. And once I told you my biggest secret, your feelings for me only grew. You motivated me, inspired me to write. I wrote about you, mainly, about your affection for me and how it changed me, about us and all our possibilities. I swore we were meant for each other, convinced myself it was so. And once you asked me to marry you, I couldn’t resist. Summer of 2012 we were to get married and would move to where ever I chose to go to college, I would study, you’d work, and we’d travel whenever we had the chance to. France, Germany, Switzerland, Holland, Europe could have been all ours. All for my photography, anything for my career. But we were living in a bubble, mentally secluded from reality and how difficult this all might be. Rushed goodbyes helped us both, no need to linger on something small, simple, necessary. Back in LA, I tried, long distance wasn’t fun and never made my heart grow fonder, it made my mind realize I was much too young to settle down and maintain a happy marriage, to put certain goals in life on hold until you were ready; like getting married by the church, you weren’t religious, and the idea never crossed your mind. All we needed was a civil union, that was good enough for you, not me. I broke the engagement three months in, you said you understood, knew we were rushing, we were still together, we were still a long distance relationship and losing each other to the miles. Reminders of your love would flood my inbox, promises to never forget me, or us, were constantly made. You had already lost me by then, not only to the miles, but to the phone calls that only became more and more distant, to my education and faith that always came first, and to a boy that never gave up from the moment he first saw me four years ago. We were still together, and I spending time with him, forgetting you. I broke up with you, with hope for another chance maybe later in life, or in another. I focused on myself and you disappeared. I continued spending time with him and barely heard from you. I hated myself for ruining you, and our once-on-a-while conversations were now filled with harsh words that meant nothing, but did so much. I ran to him for comfort and every arguement was a reason for me to lose myself in him. He never knew or asked. You had no idea and never bothered. You distanced yourself more than the miles ever could and push me far enough to never care. Summer of 2012 and all I do reminisce and struggle to find where we went wrong, where we slipped, where we failed each other. My attempts to contact you are hopeless and my knowledge of your well-being is vague. But I pray for you. I pray that you are well, and alive. I pray that your saddness is gone and that you have found someone who loves you more than I ever could. Amazing how quickly a year goes by, how quickly we think we’ve moved on, and how quickly we find ourselves in the same place.
